Who Resigns?

Bank CEO, chairman resign over loan disclosure

Double James Toaster — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 08:28:04 +0000

From Bloomberg: Anglo Irish Bank Corp. CEO David Drumm and Chairman Sean Fitzpatrick quit for failing to fully disclose a $124 million transfer from the bank. “I was just strapped for cash,” Fitzpatrick said in his statement. “You know how it goes, holiday season and all. I had to buy my wife a vacuum cleaner. I was going to pay it all back, honestly.” A regulatory board has initiated an investigation into Anglo Irish loan practices. CEO Drumm stated in his own statement, “I don’t really see what all the fuss is about. It’s not like I haven’t done the same thing many times in the past. People need to calm the (expletive) down. Fitzpatrick did nothing illegal or immoral to the best of my knowledge. I mean, when folks give their money to a bank, the bank is free to do whatever the heck they want with it. Right?”

Blagojevich claims innocence, won’t resign

Double James Toaster — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 06:39:21 +0000

From Reuters: Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich declared on Friday he had done nothing wrong and would not resign after facing charges he tried to sell the US senate seat vacated by president-elect Barack Obama. “I thought this country was all about opportunity and freedom,” Blagojevich told reporters. “So I was selling a senate seat on eBay. Big effing deal. Where’s the crime in that? If embracing capitalism and technology is a crime – then I’m guilty as charged.”

The winning bid of $512 was placed by Cletus Robson, originally of Wadsworth, Alabama. Robson was unavailable for comment over the incident. Experts speculate he might end up losing his seat.

Chiefs coach won’t resign

Double James Toaster — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 06:15:20 +0000

From ESPN: Hermione Edwards, the head coach of Kansas City Chiefs, an armoured catch team in the NFL, will not step down from his position. “We’ve won 2 of our last 23 games. Things are not looking that bad”, Edwards told the media. “It’s not like we’re losing by a lot. Even in our week five 34-0 loss to Carolina I felt like we were doing most things right. We’ve got the Tight End position nailed just perfectly, it’s just the rest of the team that needs a bit of work.” Chiefs Tight End Tony Gonzalez leads NFL in reception yardage and touchdowns for his position.

“I don’t see how people could blame me for our lack of success anyway” Edwards continued, “I’m not the one running around and dropping the ball where it counts. I just make faces at the sidelines. You might as well crucify the towel boy!”

Fast food worker to resign

Double James Toaster — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 21:18:38 +0000

Burger King employee in Prince Albert, Saskatchewan, has announced resignation from his position as a “Crew Member” at the restaurant chain’s 2nd Avenue West location. Citing “creative differences”, the man known for his capability to conjure up a mean Whopper, released his statement to local media on Friday afternoon.

Who Resigns? was unable to reach The King himself or any member of Burger King management team for comments on the situation. Locals fear this could put unbearable strain on the other 39 fast food restaurants in the city of 34,000 people over the holiday season. John McSpoon, an East Hill resident, put the fears of many in words: “What am I supposed to do for Christmas dinner? Take my family to Wendy’s? Yeah right. Money doesn’t grow on trees in these parts.”

Iraqi Speaker may resign over shoe dispute

Double James Toaster — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 21:00:45 +0000

From CBC: Having solved all the other issues troubling the nation, Iraqi politicians found time to descend into chaos over incident where journalist Muntadhar al-Zeidi donated two second hand shoes to George W. Bush, the president of United States of America. During a debate over the negligible issue of US troop presence in Iraq, some legislators interrupted the session arguing parliament should be focusing on al-Zeidi incident instead.

As the parliamentary dispute escalated into full blown screaming match, Speaker Mahmoud al-Mashhadani stood up stating, “Screw you guys, I’m going home”. The Speaker’s resignation is considered to be a severe blow to generally serene Iraqi political landscape.

Mugabe claims he will never resign

Double James Toaster — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 19:53:16 +0000

From Radio Netherlands: Robert “Bob” Mugabe, the president of Zimbabwe, has once again renewed his vow to “never, ever and not in a zillion years” resign. Addressing the annual conference of his XENU-PF party, he said “Zimbabwe is mine, and you can’t have it! Neener neener neener!”. Yesterday the Nordic countries joined world leaders calling for Mugabe’s resignation. “He’s not being very nice. If this continues, we have no other choice but to cross him off of our Christmas Card list”, said Martti Ahtisaari, former president of Finland and 2008 Nobel Peace Prize laureate.

KY education commissioner to resign

Double James Toaster — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 05:26:40 +0000

From MSNBC: Jon E. Draud, the fourth commissioner of edumacation in Kentucky, announced that he would resign the position effective in February. Dr. Draud, known for his side project as the head of gangsta rap group NKU, cited health concerns as the reason for his decision. Draud is currently attending physical therapy after a near-fatal gang related shootout in a Kentucky night club. Two members of rival group “Joe Brothers” have been arrested and are under investigation over the incident.

Steven Harper resigns?

Double James Toaster — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 00:13:44 +0000

Steven Harper, the Prime Minister of United Provinces of Canada, has announced he wants to step down from his throne. A short video was released by the Coalition of opposition parties; New Democratic Party, Liberal Party and Bloc Quebecois. Tears in his eyes, reading words from a piece of paper to a shaky camera, Harper said: “I realize I no longer have the nation behind me and I believe it is therefore incumbent upon me to relinquish the reins of government. As my reign of greed and selfishness comes to an end, I, for one, welcome our new Coalition masters”. After the announcement NDP leader Jack Layton appeared, holstering his handgun, and thanking Harper for coming to his senses.